Anaphora of Hate

I hate every moment of the day,

When I can’t even glance at him.

I hate every feeling I have,

When I miss him terribly.

I hate it when I worry too much,

When I can see that he’s fine.

I hate myself,

When I can’t understand this feeling.

I hate him when he looks at her,

Why does he not notice me?

I hate him when he laughs at her jokes,

Why doesn’t he even smile at me?

I hate him when he talks to her,

Why won’t he say hi to me?

I hate myself,

Why can’t I explain what I feel?

I hate it when I’m alone,

I always think of him.

I hate it when we are talking,

I jabber nonsense words.

I hate it when I’m close to him

I feel my knees getting weak.

I hate myself,

I am losing my rationality.

I hate realizing that I’m in love,

Because I can’t come close to him.

I hate that I am a woman,

Because I am just suppose to wait.

I hate to love him,

Because I know he is not good for me.

I hate myself,

Because no matter what, I do love him.

A Man with Nothing

They call religion blindness,

So is love and faith.

They call believers fools,

So are the lovers under faith.

When the sun is up high,

Men’s voices gone to fly.

Prayers and sweet nothings,

Flood the earth and sky.

Love and faith chain a man,

That is what they say.

The heart makes us fools,

And fools live in darkness.

So be it! I say. So be it!

Let me be a blind and a fool.

Be chained in this lover’s pool.

And die in this faith’s pit.

Is it weakness to care?

Is it shallow to love?

Is it foolishness to have faith?

When that is all I can keep?

For a man like me,

Whose life is bitter not sweet.

Can you blame me,

If destiny ravish me with hate?

No man smiled upon me,

So I try to smile with faith.

No hands reached for me.

So I try to live not in hate.

For a man with nothing,

All I can have are these.

If I am a blind and a fool, so be it!

I’ll live with my faith.

Sa Huling Sayaw (In the Last Dance)

I was inspired by a friend’s love story. I wrote this for him and his lover. 

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Sa Huling Sayaw

Lihim kong pag-ibig

Lumalalim sa bawat araw

Nais kong sabihin

Ang tunay na damdamin

Sana’y masabi balang araw

Na ikaw ay tunay na akin

Sa huling sayaw

Ngayong gabi

Aaminin ko na

Na mahal kita

Lagi kang tinitingnan

Ngunit ‘di ka matanaw

Lagi kang sinusundan

Ngunit ‘di ka maabot

Sana’y masabi balang araw

Na ikaw ay tunay na akin.

Sa huling sayaw

Ngayong gabi

Aaminin ko na

Na mahal kita

‘Di na matatakot

Ipagtatapat ko na sa’iyo

Ang lihim kong pagsinta

Sa ilalim ng gabi…

Dito sa huling sayaw

Poem#5

Don’t say a word… don’t look into my eyes… I might change my mind and be in your arms again…

written last January 27, 2005 (Thursday)

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Don’t Reach Out For Me

If you have no words to say…
“Please, kindly don’t reach out for me.”

Yes, I said it many times…
“I have forgotten all about it”
But I just can’t seem to get over you.

I am moving forward with my new life.
Slowly, but sure, I am creating a new beginning.
Another chapter, another season,
My own story and without you on the pages.

I am moving forward, until you came and said hello…

My walls are crushed,
My heart beating fast,
My hands are cold,
I can barely breathe again…

There is a question that sprung to my head,
“Why?”

Why, suddenly, you reached out for me?
                     Don’t tell me, it is because you wanted to know how I am doing?
Why, out of the blue, you appeared—when you know I don’t want to look back?
                     What is your intention?
Why did you look this way again?
                     When you know that I will be hurting inside when I remember…
Why, so suddenly, you said hello as if you don’t know the effect on me?
                     What do you want me to see?

If there are no more words to say…
“Please, kindly don’t reach out for me.”

You know that I am weak before you.
I am vulnerable to your sweet honeyed words.
Every time you seemed weak I will fall for you
And I will be left lingering again.

You know that I don’t want to look back…
That is why I shut the door between us.
That is why I said that I would never speak to you again.
Do you want to punish me?

My hands are shaking,
My heart is beating loudly,
I want to scream… I want to be angry…

If you have nothing to say… Nothing at all…

“Please… Don’t reach out for me”

Poem#4

You know that everything was through between the two of you. You are trying to move on without him in your life. Although you are moving forward, you can’t deny that you still love him… what if he suddenly talked to you after years of silence? All the memories and buried feelings comes again…

written last January 27, 2005 (Thursday)

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Calling…

I whispered in the wind,
“Be with me…”
Hoping that it will come to you.

But what’s the use of telling it to the wind?
It will take forever or never at all to reach you.

So, I’m speaking out, face down on the ground.
No more shame, no more hiding.

Crush me in the end,or laugh if you want.
Look at me with disgust, or think pathetic of me.

My eyes are shut. My hands are cold.
My heart beats fast. My pride is down.

“…Would you stay with me before you go?”

Why so sudden, you showed up?
Are you calling me?
Do you want to tell me something?

“I’ve always been here,”
                    I’m just not saying it out loud.
“…waiting,”
                    I don’t want to admit it…
“…hoping,”
                    Because I’m afraid to expect anything…
“…that you will reach out for me.”
                    And look like a fool…

Why did you call me once again?
And haunt me in my dreams once more?

“Let me know…”
                    I want to know what’s in your heart…
“Speak to me…”
                    To listen once again to your soul…
“I am here…”
                    Like the way it was before…

Crush me in the end, or laugh if you want.
Look at me with disgust, or think pathetic of me.

I am ready for what ever it will be…

So, I’m speaking out, face down on the ground…

“…Would you stay with me before you go?”

Poem#3

I felt that my life was hopeless, uncontrollable and chaotic. I was breaking down. I was looking for someone to sympathize. Someone to hold on to…

written last December 03, 2004 (Friday)

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Breaking Down…

The light seems fading…
I am losing hope.
I stumbled down and
I don’t know how to stand…

Who would save me?
Take my hands and lift me up?
Who would take me from myself?
And remind me of something good.

I keep on falling down,
Every time I try to stand.
I am breaking down…
There’s nothing left in me.

Is there someone out there
Who is listening to me?
I don’t care who you are.
Please stay for a while beside me.

I feel so weak and vulnerable.
I tried to show everyone, “I’m strong.”
But my heart can’t hide it anymore.
I just want to close my eyes and be gone…

I keep on falling down,
Every time I try to stand.
I am breaking down…
There’s nothing left in me.

Is there someone out there
Who is listening to me?
I don’t care who you are.
Please stay for a while beside me.

I need someone to hold on to
And remind me that I’m not alone.
Let me rest beside you for a moment
So tomorrow I can remember that there is hope.

Poem#2

Being in love feels good. But, getting hurt is scary.. well, that’s life! I will love again even if I get hurt a hundred times. I love to love and get hurt then love again, than to never love at all.

written last November 11, 2004 (Thursday)

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Another Round

Poem#1

When you fell in love with your friend, but you can’t have him/her. would you tell him/her your true feelings before his/her last breath?

written last November 12, 2004 (Friday)

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Pagsisisi…

Sa kailaliman ng gabi,
Ipikit mo ang iyong mga mata.
Sa liwanag ng buwan,
Hawak ko ang iyong kamay.

Narito ako sa iyong tabi,
Nakikinig sa bawat salita.
Nakatingin sa iyong mga mata,
At nais pawiin ang bawat luha.

Nais kong tumigil ang oras
Na ikaw ay yakap-yakap.
Dalhin ka sa malayong lugar
At ipadama, sabihin sa iyo…

Minamahal kita.

Naninikip ang aking dibdib,
Parang nais ko ng aminin.
Kung maaari lang sana,
Ikaw ay naging akin.

Patawad kung sa oras na
Ito ako ay makasarili..
Hindi bukal sa loob
Ang pakikinig sa iyo.

Ayoko marinig ang ano
Mang tungkol sa kanya.
Nangangarap sa oras na ito,
Na iyong sambitin sa akin…

Minamahal kita.

Hanggang pangarap na lamang
Ang ikaw ang maging akin.
Isang ilusyon ang bawat oras
Na iisipin na ako’y mahal mo rin.

Tanggap ko ang katotohanan,
Na ikaw ay para sa kanya.
Na hindi ko madarama at
Maririning mula sa iyong labi na

Minamahal mo ako.

Sa huling sandali ng iyong paghinga,
Nais ko dayain ang pagkakataon.
Kahit sa ilang Segundo lamang
Hagkan ka at wasakin ang pagkakaibigan.

Ngunit hindi ko magawa,
Hindi ko kayang pasakitan ka pa.
Hindi ko kaya ang magalit ka,
At sa huling sandali ay kamuhiaan mo.

Tama na… huwag ka ng lumuha.
Narito ako, sa iyong tabi.
Nakikinig sa bawat sinasabi,
Mga salita mula sa iyong labi…

"Mahal kita…"

Naninikip ang aking dibdib.
Mariin ang pagpikit…
Luha ko’y madaling umagos,
Wala akong nasabi…

Sa kailaliman ng gabi,
Nakapikit ang iyong mga mata.
Sa liwanag ng buwan,
Yakap ka ng mahigpit.

Narito ako sa iyong tabi,
Narinig ang huli mong sinabi.
Nakatingin sa iyong mukha,
At nais ko magsisi.

Bakit hindi ko sinabi?
Bakit hindi ko dinaya ang pagkakataon?
Bakit hindi ako naging makasarili?
Hanggang sa huling sandali.

Sana ay nasabi ko…
Sana ay napatunayan ko…
Sana naipadama ko…
At nalaman mo na

Minamahal kita.

Bakit nga ba
Hindi ko nagawa?
Dahil akala ko mahal mo siya…
At dahil sa

Mahal kita….

Things in my mind…

Feeling lost

Thought 1: Oh boy, what a day! I feel sleepy right now. I’m tired of walking up and down off the building the whole day. I met Sheryl and I’m with her all day. Now I realize, I really like to be alone all the time. I like to do many things without being accountable with people with me.

Thought 2: One thing besides being tired, I hate the boring hours I had just waiting for my next subject. Gah! I have four and a half hours subject every Tuesday and Thursday, and if the professor dismiss the class early, I had go through this boring hours of waiting.

Thought 3: My new school’s environment is much better than the last one. I liked the clean classroom. Oh yes! The elevator too! I liked the library, where you can watch movies if you are free and the air-condition classrooms! Hmm… I’m doubting the quality of fine arts in my new school… somebody told me that no one ever failed entering fine arts. It is an indicator that my previous school has a very high standard. Uh-oh… I think I should have, at least, tried transferring to FEU.

Thought 4: I feel like a stranger in my new school. I feel like an exile and now I’m lost and I’m trapped. It feels strange being there. As if my every move is being carefully watched… weird! I still can’t believe that I’m studying again, just in a different school. Now, about my introduction-dilemma, it is a smooth day. I’m glad that my 2 professors didn’t asked who are the transferees. Well, except with my last professor.. Anyway, I’m just happy to go back to school again. But, tomorrow, I just want to go around the campus alone..

Just a thought…

I thought that my class would start on Monday. But the Independence Day will be celebrated on June 13 and all classes will resume on Tuesday. Gah! And here I was, excited to wear my uniform. *Sob*

I still have a dilemma about introductions… what if they asked me from what school I came from? What should I do? Should I just tell them or not? Ahhh! *Scratches the head*

Some will think that this is not an issue and I’m just making it hard for myself. So what is with my last school that I don’t want to tell anybody? Actually, it is not about the last school where I came from that bothers me about introductions… it is about the people.

I came from one of the prestigious universities in the country, and this school year I transferred to a different school.

*So what’s the big deal?*

The big deal is, people will ask me “What happened? (Why are you here?)”

*So what if they ask you?*

I don’t want them to know…

*Heck! Why not? Do you think that you are a V.I.P.? Stupid!*

No, I don’t think that I am an important person. But…

*But what?*

I don’t want them to know from what school I came from because I don’t want them to think highly of me just because I was from a prestigious university. Just like when you are in a province, if people knew you were from the city, they think highly of you.

Errr… *pause* I want to compete with other students in my new school without people favoring me, conscious or unconsciously… I don’t want to be notice in the first days of my school just because I came from a well-known school. I just want to be myself without the boundary of being branded as something (whether it is negative or positive)…

Bahala na!